911 memories

This was written (9/11/2011)
Sept 11, 2001
I slept late, trying to enjoy a day off. Woke to hear screaming airplane engines. Unusual I thought, and rolled over. Three minutes later same sound, but moving east.  Phone rings seconds later," Turn on TV" Stare in horror as the world reels around me. Legs turn to water as the second plane strikes tower. Search for comfort has never ended.  I will never forget what she said to me that day. "Get over it." "You were not hurt by it." I should have seen it then. There are those who don't care. There are those who don't see. There are those who don't feel.

Ten years ago a hole was opened in the soul of America
Raw and bleeding she staggered and stumbled wounded and stunned
One by one Americans helped stanch the wound
many sacrificing all for the few.
Ten years on, the wound is still raw, many have bled, many have died
America stands tall, we are one nation under God
Walking hand in hand side by side
STRONGER THAN BEFORE!!!!!! 

As I examine my life, I am disappointed with so many of my choices.   Perhaps the biggest thing is my choice to leave Missouri. Leaving behind every thing I have ever loved has cost me more than any body will ever know.I thought I knew what I was doing, thought my family and friends all thought I was "weird" and did not want anything to do with me.  I was so full of myself even though I was not drinking at the time. I had just left the woman I was married to because we fought like cats and dogs, arguments turned into shouting matches, then several events where we threw things at each other. I left so neither one would get into trouble.  But she would not leave me alone.  She would show up at my house at all times of the day or night.  I panicked, and ran far away.  Why did I panic?  One day soon I hope to find the answer.  Eerily similar to my last marriage.  Although there was alcohol and drugs involved this time.  I had just found out she had talked to two separate people about "making my suicide look like an accident, so she would get the insurance money."  Again I panicked and ran far away.  Common sense though won out, and I returned to the house.  Only to leave a month later to avoid violence and jail. I went to a mutual friends house and sheltered there for about two weeks, only to panic again when she threatened to call the authorities and report me as "a danger to myself and others."  I spent the next two day in my truck, then the next 5 months in a 20 by 25 foot basement apartment. I drank and drank and drank. On November 3 2011, God tapped me on the shoulder and I was given a second chance.  I have struggled with booze every day there after.  For the most part I have stayed away from it.  Christmas was not easy and I fell off the wagon. For one reason or the other on July 21 I chose to drink again. Then Sept 3ed I drank until I blacked out.  I have no memory of punching a hole in the wall, or breaking a mirror.  WHY!!!!!!!!!!  Why do I not face my problems?  Why do I drink?  Why do I want to die?